How mental toughness can extend from training to your relationship
Words: Jessica Myers-Adams, founder of Extreme Relationship Fitness
Overcoming the problems athletes uniquely face in relationships
Photo by Ryoji Iwata
Ask any endurance athlete if they consider themselves mentally tough, and most would answer with a resounding, “Yes!”. In sports, mental toughness is the trait that can enable athletes to overcome wildly difficult challenges - some that may seem impossible.
Mental toughness conjures the image of a bad-ass athlete completing the 135-mile Badwater, known as the “world’s toughest foot race,” or the triathlete’s ultimate three-day, 320-mile (515-kilometre) individual ultra-endurance event. While it takes grit and resilience to complete an Ironman or Ultramarathon, it’s ultimately mental toughness that puts you over the finish line. So why is it that some of these very same individuals who are mentally tough in competition struggle to translate the same attitude to relationships?
As a researcher and couples therapist that coaches athletes in partnerships, I discovered a common theme: as mentally tough as they were in competition, some of these athletes were failing to put this trait to work in their love life. The confidence they had when competing in endurance events was absent in their relationship, as was emotional control they had to navigate setbacks.
In my research, I found some common threads. Athletes reported that they avoid communication with their partner for fear that it would lead to an increase in conflict. They reported suffering from feelings of guilt, a lack of appreciation from their partner for their sport, and conflicts around managing schedules.
All of these problems point to the very trait they depend on to complete those “impossible” challenges. The blind spot is in recognizing their mental sensitivity when it comes to their relationships. I propose that athletes flip this script and use mental toughness to improve their relationships.
First, it’s important to understand what exactly mental toughness is. Many people would incorrectly associate mental toughness with resilience and grit. Or even worse, some might think it’s machismo, aggression, selfishness, or a singular focus on winning. Rather, “toughness,” in the framework developed by Professor Peter Clough and Senior Lecturer Keith Earle, is more about demonstrating strength, rebounding from setbacks, and being able to accept that life can be difficult, but also full of opportunities.
Ultimately, Professor Clough described mental toughness as “being comfortable in your own skin” and having that inner strength to deal with whatever life throws at you. Interestingly, studies also show a close relationship between mental toughness and emotional intelligence. These elements are of supreme value for partners working to have a successful and loving relationship.
Clough and Earle developed the 4Cs model of mental toughness, which can not only have profound effects on athletes’ performance, but also, when implemented in their personal lives, can turn a troubled and unhappy relationship into a winning partnership. Below are the 4Cs defined with examples of how these can be applied to an athlete’s relationship.
4 Cs of Mental Toughness Applied to Improving your Relationship
1. Control
This characteristic can be measured to determine whether or not you believe you have the ability to shape your life and experiences. Here, Henry Ford’s adage of “whether you think you can, or you think you can’t — you’re probably right” is applicable.
To improve your relationship, you will be required to adopt the positive “can do” mindset. You will need to practice controlling your emotions and understanding your partner’s emotions/feelings in order to know how to manage them.
2. Commitment
You will need to work hard. In order to be successful, mentally tough individuals put in daily, consistent effort. There are no free lunches. Here, goal setting and making promises requires persistence. Mentally tough individuals do not become distracted or divert their attention from goals. For example, an athlete who wakes up early to get their first training session in when they have a two-a-day workout scheduled is a dedicated athlete-driven towards continued advancement.
Much like on the field, people dedicated to improving their relationships are committed to taking daily actions for improvements. It is setting up milestones to achieve bigger goals, and prioritizing and planning so that they can attend to the goals they set. For example, in relationships, this means making time available and attending to some of the partner’s desires. Think of a chore or task that is important to your mate. What if you decided to dedicate time weekly to folding that laundry, or running that vacuum for them?
3. Challenge
This component addresses how we respond to challenges. What is your attitude toward challenge? How do you handle the outcomes of those challenges? Mentally tough individuals are likely to think, “that may not have worked, but I have learned something from doing it.” Mentally sensitive people, on the other hand, will have an aversion to trying again. They might think “that didn’t work and that was unpleasant.” They see challenges as threats.
This characteristic of mental toughness is especially important with relationship challenges. Many partners are afraid to bring things up again after a conversation doesn’t go well and are reluctant to try again. If you want to make improvements in your relationship, you will need to improve your response to challenges and learn from mistakes.
As Seal Team leaders Jocko Willink and Leif Babin explain in the book “Extreme Ownership,” a successful individual must own everything in his or her world. Part of winning the war is acknowledging mistakes and admitting failures by taking ownership of them. If you take extreme ownership, you are accountable for whatever went wrong.
In a relationship, being accountable means focusing on your own mistakes and trying to improve as an individual — in short, putting in the effort, managing fears, trying new things, and seeing the lesson in trials.
4. Confidence
This category measures how much self-belief an individual has to complete a difficult task, especially one that will involve setbacks. Again, this characteristic is important in improving a relationship.
There is going to be testing and trying new strategies. Some things might work while others won’t. There is inevitably going to be a learning phase. Remember the learning curve to training? Learning how to use clipless pedals or ride a triathlon bike? Athletes trust in those who have gone before them. They know there is a lot to learn. This is also true in relationships. To increase this aspect of mental toughness, you will need to increase your belief about your ability, knowing that setbacks are part and parcel of making improvements in your relationship.
Even though mental toughness training should be at the top of every athlete’s list, many may think it is unnecessary, or may be unable to conceptualize how the very traits that have made them successful on the field, can also create a successful partnership. This is a mistake. Mental toughness benefits both the individual athlete and the partnership – that means everyone is a winner!
Founder of Extreme Relationship Fitness, Jessica Myers-Adams is a marriage/relationship expert with eight years of experience working with couples to recreate joy and connection in their relationship.